I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
