Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
