Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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