I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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