It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
