WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
