Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
