Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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