He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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