I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
