I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
