apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
