Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
