I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
