today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
