me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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