Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
