ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
