just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize