did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
