I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
