It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I need to calm my uterus...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
