just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
