i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
