i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
