the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
