remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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