Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
