just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
