We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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