The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize