Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
