Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
