fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you inspire me to be a worse person
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
