Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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