Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
