If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
