I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
