you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
