??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I am available for nakedness
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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