I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
