The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
