Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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