it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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