I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
