FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
