Me too!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
