I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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