youre lurking in front of me
look no pants
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
