just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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