matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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