we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
40s are totally the cure
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
