I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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