I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
