I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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