the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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