either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Every concussion has its silver lining
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
When are your genitals available?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
