Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
